Capitalism and Motherhood
I think it’s important to talk about how the systems we live in affect motherhood and how we parent. And when we talk about the systems we live in, we have to talk about capitalism. And when we talk about capitalism, we have to talk about white supremacy. And when we talk about white supremacy, we have to talk about patriarchy.
The thing is, the type of capitalism that exists in the United States is a very specific brand of capitalism that originated from the slave trade, with the abuse, torture, murder, and enslavement of Black Africans. The capitalism of the United States is steeped in the blood of Black Africans and the genocide of Native Americans, and that’s why we have to talk about both when we talk about one. There is no divorcing one from the other. (We can also, of course, see a variation of this economy-based violence in how the modern corporate beast exploits low-wage workers around the world and the government goes to war for the protection of products, but that’s another post.)
Patriarchy has been around for thousands of years.
Though there were patriarchal systems in place before the onset of Christianity, Christianity’s arrival accelerated its hold. Christianity is also an extension of white supremacy because it contorted and decimated indigenous earth-based worship the world over in favor of a single white god who is punishing and cruel to those who don’t adhere to the Christian doctrine.
So, circling back to how the systems we live in affect motherhood and the way we parent:
Struggling with Perfectionism
Struggling with perfectionism is a symptom of capitalism and white supremacy. It’s an idea that insists we push to be the best version of ourselves all the time and then sets a standard far above what is possible and realistic. And to top it off, perfectionism shames the individual, the community, and the collective for failing to reach those unrealistic ideals (which is inevitable).
Motherhood has been packaged and sold to us as a perfectionistic ideal by framing it using unreasonable measures:
Having an uncomplicated pregnancy and delivery.
Breastfeeding is easy.
The Baby’s sleep is smooth and manageable. (Sleep training is a symptom of capitalism—it cuts parents off from the natural attachment and nurturance that is essential for infant and baby development.)
Lose the baby weight. (There is no talk about the profound changes the body goes through.)
Juggle career, ambition, household, and child-rearing without overwhelming.
Self-sacrifice—always.
Look glamorous and beautiful while doing it all. (It’s an illusion sold to us by the thousands of influencer moms who present a perfect, stylized picture of their lives.)
Perfectionism leads mothers and parents to feel as if we are never doing enough.
Because in a capitalistic system, we aren’t. If an enslaved person stopped for even a moment to stretch their back, they were punished with torture or death, or both. This has evolved only slightly in that we have internalized this expectation that we should be able to juggle all the demands placed on us. That we should excel at everything we do. That we should push ourselves to the brink of exhaustion and beyond, embrace the 40-60-hour work week while trying to figure out how to take care of our child(ren). And if we do prioritize our child(ren), ourselves, and our family then we are punished, shamed, and told we are failing and need to do better. Mom guilt and parental overwhelm are not something you should feel shamed by.
Comparing Ourselves to an Illusion
Perfectionism leads us to compare ourselves, especially in today’s social media world. We’re always comparing how we look, how we parent/mother, and how we balance our ambitions and career with running the household and nurturing our children. Through comparison we are sold the idea that we need more, that if we had this lifestyle, made this much money, had this toy/gadget/experience then our lives would be happier, better enriched—and so would our children’s. Comparison takes us out of our own experience and embodiment. It creates a dissociation within our lived experience and feeds us the illusion that we can have a perfect life “if only….” It also feeds into and exacerbates the stratification of class and the economic discord between those that have the privilege of wealth or comfort and those that do not.
The comparison also has us comparing our children to others.
Which takes us out of being present with the child in front of us and their unique needs, desires, interests, and goals. When we’re doing this, we’re buying into a growth model that says learning only looks a certain way and if our child is not tracking on a traditional arc then they will not be successful. In this formulation, success is defined by capitalism, white supremacy, and patriarchy.
Close your eyes for a minute and envision how motherhood is portrayed in the media, and by celebrities and social influencers.
Now pay attention to all the ways you compare yourself to the image(s) you see. All the ways you “should” yourself.
Isolation, Privilege, and Exhaustion Leads to Perfectionism and Mom Guilt
Capitalism creates isolation by feeding us the illusion that we can buy community, connection, and the village we dream of. It also creates isolation through perfectionism and comparison. It creates a divide between mothers who must work a paying job and those who are stay-at-home, a pointless us-vs.-them dichotomy that degrades true sisterhood when we could be bonded in the solidarity that comes from knowing we’re all suffering hardship by being trapped in the same system.
Capitalism reinforces that you are not allowed to have extra support
Capitalism reinforces the standard that only those with privilege and wealth can afford to purchase services in the form of extra support, whether that’s a postpartum doula, a nanny, a new mom support group, a postpartum therapist, or a private daycare/preschool, a house cleaner. It sells us a devil’s bargain: Give our time and our life force to corporations, and the patriarchy will—maybe—reward us with the illusion of freedom that wealth brings. We must never forget that these structures, at their core, only truly reward one group: the white men who have already benefited from the privilege of generational wealth for centuries, which is just another reinforcing aspect of white supremacy.
Capitalism and patriarchy are powerful forces that keep mothers feeling mom Guilt and Parental overwhelm.
They forcibly create a reality where working parents and mothers are separated from their LOs as early as four weeks in the United States—a dark echo of the days of the enslavement of Black Africans, who were separated from their children to toil for the productivity of the land or raise the white owners’ children. We cannot ignore the cruel fact that the reality parents and mothers give birth in and are expected to recover and parent in, is built from the corrupted remnants of the foundation of this country, which was only possible because of the genocide of Native Americans and the enslavement of Black Africans.
Increasing Our Awareness About Mom Guilt, Parental Overwhelm, and Capitalism
So what does this all mean? How do we combat it? What do we do about it?
Being aware of the system we live in and how it impacts all of us is vital. It is the first step toward making conscious, albeit hard, decisions about how to live life differently and raise our children with different values and ethics.
How capitalism informs motherhood:
perfectionism
comparison between self and other
needing the latest toy/gadget/experience
feeling that our child is falling behind because they aren’t in the “best” schools and day care, and aren’t hitting milestones using the traditional measures
feeling like a failure
competition between mothering and career ambitions
feeling isolated and alone
only the wealthy can afford to have their village by paying for a doula, postpartum support, a nanny, a postpartum therapist, a house cleaner, etc.
I’ll do a follow-up post about ways to combat patriarchy and capitalism through motherhood and parenting. For now, I encourage you to pay attention to the ways we are all impacted by the system we live in, BI&POC mothers and parents even more so.
Until then, much love, support, and compassion for ourselves and for all parents. We hold a new future within us.
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